Yoga

Yoga has never appealed to me. Stretching and holding your body in strange positions, no thanks. Another reason not to like yoga is that some yoga instructors are just a little bit to 'earthy' in my opinion. Like instead of telling the yoga students to stretch their arms over their heads, they say stuff like "Reach uuuup towards the skyyyyyy...." Why sky?? Why not the ceiling, if anything? And they always speak with this sort of soft whispering-type voice and they drag out the vowels on every other word. The way someone from California might sound if they'd talk in their sleep.

At one gym/studio where I work as a massage therapist, they also offer yoga classes. Whenever I pass the yoga class I get to listen to these ridiculous instructions. Here's what I heard today, verbatim.

• "Tuck your tail towards the eeeeeeeaaaarth..." (again, why earth, why not floor? And... tail??)
  
• "Breathe into the kidneys, that's above your pelvis area, straighten that pelvis, feel the air reaching the kiiidneeeeeys..." (huh?? kidneys? air??)
• "Your feet are the rooooots, imagine swaying like a treeeeeee with your feet grounded to the eeaaaarth, feel the photosynthesis...." (she actually said the word photosynthesis, swear to God)
• But the absolute worst thing I ever heard from this yoga woman was this: "....and relax your reeeectuuuuum...and relax your vagiiiiinaaaa..." (don't need to hear stuff like that unless at the OBGYN's)

Here's what I have to say to all Yoga people - What the fuck?!?!